Fear and Death Conquered by Christ

So last night I decided to take some initiative and get to bed before midnight. I did finally crawl into bed around 12:15 or so, said a quick mumbled prayer, and started my itunes to sleep to. After the first song, however, it didn't play any others and it was on shuffle and repeat all. I got out of my bed where I had just gotten comfortable (isn't that how it always happens) and checked it. Yep. It was just as I'd left it. So I decided to just replay the song. The same thing happened. Now when I'm really tired and it's early in the morning...well...let's just say I can get some delusional ideas :) For some reason I decided that since my music wouldn't play, God didn't want it to. then I felt like there was going to be a fire in my house sometime that night and God wanted me to be able to hear the smoke detector over my music. Well I kept stewing on that and then decided that I thought I was going to die for some reason. I don't know why on earth I would've jumped to that conclusion so quickly...other than the fact that it was now well past 12:00. So I got out of my bed and made an excuse to go downstairs so I could be sure to wish my mom goodnight and tell her I loved her. I came back upstairs and felt very unsettled so I grabbed my Bible and began reading.

I just randomly flipped open my Bible, expecting something miraculous to happen. The first passage it opened to wasn't one that particularly calmed me so I tried again. The second time, it landed on Romans 8...Life Through the Spirit. As I read, I began to realize that God wanted me to see that passage. I kept thinking I was going to die for some reason and then I saw the words, "because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death"(8:2). Eagerly I continued reading and saw even more about being free from sin and death. I know I've read this passage many times before, but it kinda seemed repetitive to me after a while...but this time I feel like I really absorbed what it said. Beginning to worry a little more than I had been already, I read, "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God" (8:6-8). Knowing I hadn't been planning time to read God's word or have more than a few mumbled prayers to Him because of my "busy" schedule lately, I began to feel a bit guilty because I know God should come first in my life. I then glanced over to an underlined portion of text that read, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (8:38-39). Another statement I had read, and sung time after time, but really absorbed in this moment.

So I prayed. A heartfelt and meaningful prayer apologizing for my few "mumbled prayers" and asking for His help to make Him my main focus in life, the first thing I think about and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. Sure I'd been a good person lately and I loved God and often talked about Him, but He wasn't always my main focus. Afterwards it felt sooo good to just give it to God. I no longer thought I was going to die, and so I picked my Bible back up and flipped to another random page. I'd flipped to Romans 3:21...Righteousness Through Faith...and read through 5:11. While reading, I felt as if God were speaking directly to me and comforted me even more. In these verses, faith justified by works is talked of and the verse, "There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus"(23-24). I think it may have been His way of getting my attention so that I would delve into my Bible and really give it all over to Him.

Feeling very much relieved and ready for a good long sleep, I crawled in bed...for the fourth time...and went to bed. That is an entirely different story. I had a dream...I only remember the ending of it, but this girl from some random school wanted to  know how to get to my college...so I told her how to get there. Then for some reason we were going on a road trip there. She was in my car and we were trying to get to the highway...but I looked and was going 60 in a 40...then I heard the police sirens..."Great!" I thought, "My first ticket...ugh." I started to pull over but didn't have room because there was already someone who had been pulled over by another cop. It looked like I had room between that cop car and the other car so I started pulling over...whoops...underestimated the room I'd need...I was in a crash course for the policeman's car...I tried to brake quickly..........but ran into his driver's side...well let me rephrase that...barely tapped it...but it was enough to dent the side and make the mirror break off...
Then I woke up. I'd had dreams before where someone else was driving and we'd gotten squished by a semi, or rolled off the highway, and even one where I'd rolled into a lake...but why this one should simply be crashing into a car...*ahem* barely tapping the car...confused me. So I did what every American would've done...I googled it. Pages kept showing the phrase, "your life seems to be out of control." Right then I knew that being out of control of my life was the best thing that ever had happened. Because when I'm not in control of my life, God can step in and control it for me. This made having a dream that sends a message from my subconscious like that feel like a positive sign. I may have felt scared and worried in the dream, but as Francesca Battistelli writes in her song Letting Go,

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I'm Losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

If you've read this far, I congratulate you on not falling asleep :)